Pacifica #32"
By: Teilani Dane, Chief Medical Officer, [PC]

Stardate: 58205.25 0300

=Location Teilani’s quarters=

"Computer, start recording: personal log, tag with date, time and location." A soft beep told Teilani she could speak.

"Dear diary,

It's been a while, hasn't it? I don't think I've told you anything since. Well, when was it? I guess it was when Eric disappeared.

There! Did you hear that? I said disappeared! Diary, why can't I even say this? His ship was lost .What can he be but dead? And yet...I found this padd. Although it works now and it contains some files I still have not been able to just sit down and read them. Am I afraid what will be on it?

What if ………. I just can not accept the fact that he might be dead. Does any body understand the turmoil I am going through?

If my brother cannot accept it, and the rest of our family can't, then is it so strange for me to hesitate too?

I should call them, shouldn't I? It's been too long already. Guess that's what happens when you have something like this hanging over you like Damocles' sword.

Melissa is probably bottling it all up, meditating all day and Joshua will probably be getting angry at her for not showing her feelings, while they both know she's hurting as bad as he is. They'll argue, him getting more and more upset over her reasonability and his doubts, then he'll run off in a tantrum and fill himself up with Sauran brandy . No - of course not. Or maybe.? I'm driving myself crazy with this guessing!

I should call them, like Patia suggested, anything to let them know I'm there for them, but from the way they took Eric’s dissappearance I just can’t !

Oh diary, what should I do? If I contact them, all of my own emotions will burst out, I know they will. I've been on edge every time something reminded me of him. The counsellor will probably say I haven't grieved enough yet - like I ever will!. But I really should call, shouldn't I?

I guess that's what I'm talking to you for, sweet diary. You always listen, you never give your opinion, or judge, or down-talk my problems. I can vent anything with you, my frustration, my anger. Damn."

Silence filled the room for a good couple of minutes, interrupted by the sound of swallowing, and one or two soft sobs.

"Computer. Stop and save."

*beep*

Another silence fell in the room. Teilani stood, adjusting her loose fitting pants, the kind she always preferred when she was in her own quarters, and paced the room slowly, her thoughts swirling through her head, her eyes staring at nothing. Occasionally she would sigh, or grunt, or stop pacing altogether and just throw back her head, clenching her fists until the imprints of her nails showed read in her palms.

Finally, though, she sat down at her desk, and touched her screen and keypad a couple of times. Then she let her hands drop into her lap, and fidgeted as the computer made the connection.

Then she shook her head and terminated the connection. It was not the time, not yet anyway. She let her head sank on her hands and rested it on her desk. She had to get some sleep tomorrow was just another day.