Who Counsels the Counselor? "
By: Patia Zoei, Chief Counselor, [PC]
Favor, Medic / Morale Officer, [PST]

Stardate: 58204.26 1900

Patia's head jerked up when she heard Favor's voice. Slowly, she sat upright. She pulled her legs to her chest and leaned her head back over the seat of her chair. She blinked rapidly and focused on gaining control of her breathing. With a sniff, she said, "Hi there. What can I do for you tonight?"

Favor shifted from her left foot to her right. Patia sounded like the waitress from Miranda’s, laser pen poised, ready to take her dinner order. Who did she think she was kidding? "Um. Well, I think maybe I've come at a bad time. Because I don't really think you're in a much of a state right now to be of any help to me," Favor blurted out. Argh! I can't believe I just said that!

"I was looking at some things my mother sent," Patia looked down at the picture. One corner had bent when she had slipped to the floor. Gently, absently, she smoothed the corner flat.

"Can I see?" Favor held out her hand. It wasn't a question, really. It was more of a demand.

Slowly, almost hesitantly, Patia stretched out her hand. The picture held carefully in her hand quivered. "Here, it’s a picture taken when I was a small child. And you are right, I am not much use to anyone tonight, I think." Her smile quavered.

Favor took the photograph. She closed her eyes briefly, and opened them again and looked down. Staring out of her hand was a brown-eyed girl. Missing teeth. Baby face, her eyes so wide. Her cheeks so baby-smooth. A red bow tying back her lovely curls. Electric threads between her and the boy next to her...but something was not quite right. Favor tapped the picture. What was wrong with this picture? Ah, the boy. She'd heard about this boy, about Patia's loss. This boy had once been something important, but now he was just a series of photographs in some poor mother's scrapbook. She closed her eyes again, and in her mind's eye, she saw this boy's mother, pacing the rooms of her house. She saw the boy's ghost---no, wait. Not a ghost. A holographic recording. The same thing, over and over. The boy chases a ball. The boy waves from the back of a dappled pony. The boy and the brown-eyed girl in a formal event, scrubbed by proud mothers until they practically glowed. Their little faces, so solemn, and the promises they made, and the vows they took that day. Over and over, the boy's mother played these holographic images, Favor knew.

The poor mother! When a ghost is all you have, then a ghost is good enough, Favor supposed. Someone could do her a favor and burn those holographic tapes, though. She would never live in the present as long as she had a ghost she could cling to. Favor turned to her friend. "Enough of the wall already, Patia. What do you have to say about this?" Patia sat, slumped against the chair. Slowly, she raised tear filled eyes to look at Favor. "We looked so happy, didn't we?" She reached her hand for the picture. Her fingers lightly touched the boy's face. A sob caught in her throat. "Yes."

The silence stretched, a bit uncomfortable. Patia cleared her throat. "I don't speak often of my past. I think about it only slightly more frequently. It is easier if the door to that compartment of memories stays closed." She turned the picture so Favor could see it again. "This was taken at our bonding ceremony. Are you familiar with any Betazid rituals?" Favor slapped her hand against Patia's desk in frustration. "I'm familiar with your pussyfooting around, Counselor. That's what I'm MOST familiar with. I'm not interested in a modern anthropology lesson. I want to know why you were crying and I want to know now. " Patia blinked rapidly. It wasn't often someone was as brusque as Favor was tonight. "Well, you are getting the modern anthropology lesson anyway. Betazid people are bonded with their mate as children. From a very young age, you know who your mate is, you learn about your mate, learn likes, dislikes, and develop the strong base you need as you prepare for your lives together. This is Lucio. He is my bonded mate." Abruptly, Patia shook her head. "Lucio was my bonded mate. Mother sent me a box that arrived a little earlier today. At the very bottom, was this picture." Patia sniffed. She shifted so she sat cross legged on the floor. She leaned back against the chair. Her head rested on the edge of the seat as she stared at the ceiling. "You know, my life has always seemed very complete. I love my work, I enjoy the challenges each day brings, and I have many acquaintances. Lately, though, I really feel the hole that is in my life. A part of me is missing; a very large part of me is blank. It is like I am not whole. I sit here and I look at this picture and that hole has never been more apparent." Patia rolled her head so she could see Favor. "I am a freak at home. Did you know that?" Patia did not pause for an answer. "Lucio died when I was nine. I never had another bonded mate. My parents felt, because of the circumstances, that it was better than I kept my distance from other Betazid, at least when it comes to a life long partnership. I could probably find someone to spend my life with, if I tried hard enough. Relationships are formed all the time. It is not inconceivable I could meet someone, fall in love, share my life with them, but I just can't seem to allow anyone that close." Patia's voice dropped to barely over a whisper, "I am so lonely, Favor, so very lonely. I am not so much lonely in a way that just anyone would fill that void. I just want that part of me that is missing to come back, and I know it can never, ever happen. It doesn't matter how much I wish it to be, it will never, ever happen," Patia's voice caught again.

Favor had heard bits of this before. It sounded like Mother, every time she'd got dumped by one of her fly-by-night boyfriends! Didn't Patia know that there were plenty of other Betas in the sea? "Patia," she began. "Why on earth do you need to wait around for your parents to locate a man for you?" A good-looking, intelligent woman like Patia should certainly have no problems finding a man on her own Patia shook her head. "It isn't about my parents finding me a man, Favor. It is about a piece of you that is so entwined with another person that when that person dies, that part of you dies also. Grab the box over there. I am sure you have seen graphic pictures before, and read horrible reports, but when you look at that, remember the person you are reading about holds a part of me in him." Patia stood up abruptly. She walked quickly to the replicator. She pressed her hand against the cool metal. "Raspberry Iced Tea." Favor paused. "Do Betas believe they have the market cornered on true love? Do they not believe that others have visceral feelings for each other as well?" Patia ducked her head as she leaned against the wall. She had spent years counseling other people. More years than she could count, she had spent supporting others, listening as they grieved, working through stressful situations, and occasionally, celebrating with the many people who had come through her office doors. Slowly, she felt the doors closing. Favor had made comments before about talking to a mirror. Well, there wasn't much point in talking to someone that merely wanted to badger and dredge up her own issues. She raised her head and pushed herself upright. Slowly, she turned and leaned against the wall. "You know, Ensign, not everything in this universe revolves around you, your mother, and your issues with her. Sometimes, there are other people who need support and are having a trying time. Not for one minute do I think Betazids, or I personally, have the corner of the love market. Something I can't make you understand, though, is the actual bonded connection. It isn't just a feeling of love. I have those feelings for people. Being bonded means a part of them is inside you and a part of you is inside them. There isn't a way to explain it adequately. I am too tired to even try. I am not sure why you stopped tonight, but obviously, it is not a good time for me. My work day was over several hours ago, so if there is something you need for that, let me know. I will get back to you about it tomorrow." Patia carried her tea back to the sitting area. She picked up the box and shifted the contents. Each of the bound files was rested on its side, one right beside the next. The two pictures of Lucio were laid on top of them. Finally, she took the picture of them at their bonding ceremony. She strode purposefully to her desk. From the bottom drawer, she pulled a picture frame. The viewable portion was small, but the entire picture should fit behind the mat. She slid the back off the frame and slipped the picture inside. She shifted the picture slightly before she sealed the back in place. The frame matched the one around the picture of her with Lio at his graduation. Side by side, the pictures of the two most important males of her childhood rested on her desk. Favor smiled thinly. "I'm guessing this means you don't want to have dinner with me tonight, Counselor?" Her cheeks flamed, and inside, she smoldered. How dare Patia fling her own pathetic family history back in her face? All she'd done was ask a question! "I'm sorry if you misconstrued what my question meant," she said. "I thought people asked questions to show that they were listening." Favor turned to leave. "I'll be at Miranda's if you change your mind," she said. Patia's hands stilled on the pictures. She felt frozen in time and space. Finally, she found her voice, or at least a whisper of it. "Lucio was tortured, that is how he died." The word hung in the air between them. Torture. A little boy with missing fingernails, bleeding ears. Torture. Snapped little bones, and crying for his mother, and seven-eight-nine years old, that's how big he got, but he didn't get any bigger, and this was why, it struck Favor, this was why the mother watched the holographic recordings over and over, to fill the dark, empty places in her mind with the boy chasing a ball, or the boy petting a kitten. This was why, so the bleeding boy with missing eyes and fingernails and then part of his brain gone and then still and cold, would not take up residence in those empty spaces. Favor sank into a chair. "Go ahead, I'm here," she said quietly to Patia's back. She folded her hands in her lap and waited for Patia to begin. Really begin, this time. It was going to be a long night, Favor suspected.